from august 9:summertime is drawing to an end, my last as a college student. that's a little strange to think about. but not REAL strange. there's so much change going on in my life right now, and so much more change directly ahead, that thoughts like these are commonplace. i'm used to it.
a long summer, not too hot. i did nothing except work, and participate in my brother's wedding. in other words, no vacation, no road trips, nothing. i camped out by myself for two nights at brasstown falls in south carolina, but that's all. not a lot of bright moments, like two summers ago when dean, dan and jenni were here. mostly this summer was drab routine, long hours of humdrum at work. thirteen, fourteen hour days. but there were a few good times, like laying around matt and valerie's new apartment, reading and doing not much else. for some reason that is a great memory, probably the best of the summer. their apartment is really nice, very pleasantly arranged, and matt has been very kind and happy since his wedding. That pervading atmosphere made the evenings i spent there memorable. very calming. The night david and juls came over for a couple hours is up there, too. it was bittersweet, knowing i was saying goodbye to a great friend and that i wouldn't see him anymore, except in passing perhaps, now and then. it's a sobering thought, saying goodbye to good friends, and its one that's i'm beginning to face more and more.
the night jenni and i, caela, muffy, nate, and some other of caela's friends drove to greenville to see "king lear" in the park downtown was a good time, too. as was the night last week that muff, caela, emily, jenni and i went again to see "as you like it". it was cancelled for rain (which never actually came) but we made it a good time anyway, running around downtown, getting into trouble. i like any time spent with caela and muff and their friends. nate, clay, jonathan. those are good kids; i hope one day my children are as good-natured and as genuine as those kids are.
i've been teaching sunday school at my church for the past few months, and that has been a good challenge, not too difficult, but very rewarding. it feels good to be more involved with my church, to feel useful, and a little vulnerable. doing special music with jenni was one of the best feelings. we're going to do it again in the near future. the new men's group has been also very good, if a little lagging.
the coming semester is pretty frightening, financially, academically. i've got to be organized, plan ahead, and not procrastinate. to keep up with bills, to be responsible with my homework and try and get my GPA up a point or two, and not to let down the band or jenni. it seems like an incredibly difficult task. but at the same time, its the end of an era in my life, which in practice has been a lot of failure, apathy and confusion, but which in spite of all that, is almost over, over forever. i want to really fight to win those battles of self-discipline, apathy, with which i've struggled for the past four years.
going to drive down and see jenni tonight, for her birthday which was two days ago. she's 22, and i'm still only 20 (for two more months). i got her some good tea, and the new annie dillard novel. first edition, hardback. that shit's gonna be worth something one day. anyway. i'm going to take a book and hopefully spend some quiet peaceful time. there's not much to do down there. so we'll see.
its sunday afternoon at my parents house. i just slept for three hours, something I needed to do. i've been running more and more behind on sleep all week. ironic, since i recently resolved to started getting to bed early. usually i stay up till one or two, and wake up at seven thirty... not a good pattern. tonight we're going to practice, and after that maybe i'll do some laundry, maybe get mom to cut my hair, and try to get to bed at a reasonable time.
i did sunday school at church again this morning. i enjoy doing it but now that i'm beginning to settle into a routine certain challenges have come to the fore. there's an older missionary, mr wetzel, who along with pastor monty tends to try and teach the class for me. i prepare my notes and never get through them. they always either jump ahead and say things i had planned on saying, or move us entirely off topic. being so much younger and not wanting to interrupt or act disrespectfully its very hard to handle these situations. it's hard to deal with disagreements, or what's worse, more subtle differences of emphasis between me and pastor monty. Besides which i'm often awkward in my presentation and can't find words. worst of all, though, i feel like there's so much depth i'm not even touching. i spend a lot of time awkwardly stabbing around on the surface level. but it's all the kind of thing which i suppose i'll be facing, for better or for worse, for the rest of my life. it is one of the most worthwhile things i've ever done.
thinking a lot this week about being a hard worker. the work you do is an extension of you; it represents you. it's so easy to be dragged down by those around you, and to set patterns which are difficult to break. it seems like one of the best ideals to work toward, to be known as a hard worker. i'm afraid i've failed in this over the past years and the results are evident in every area of my life; i know how to work hard - my father is an extremely hard worker and required it of us growing up - but when everyone around you is slacking off it is hard to stand out. it's like that in just about every area of life though. there's no need to be all counter-culture and rebellious. just live consciensously and according to principle and you will stand out probably more than you want to. it's a strangely ironic phenomenon that it is a part of our culture to be "counter-culture", to be rebellious and dissatisfied with the status quo. but to a large degree the people who try, through their attitude, dress, etc., to go against the flow are really only declaiming their own insecurity, their cry to be accepted in the herd. which is not to say that they don't have some legitimate criticisms about modern culture. it's just a terribly obvious inconsistency which pretty much blows their credibility. i was in the mall last night with luke and michelle; the mall is one of the saddest places you can ever go. it's a microcosm of everything i hate most about american culture. Gross materialism, arrogance, greed, shallowness, superficiality. it feeds on people's pride and insecurity. those people have no idea about what it means to live (or, to struggle to live) a life of principle. i wondered what wendell berry would say about it all. the truth is that to really stand out, to live this life of principle, is to make yourself vulnerable, weak and a target for persecution. this realization would scare nearly all of those people away.
enough of that. i'm off to band practice with the lads. lots going on lately in contrail. is it all worthwhile? that's the question; i'm not sure...
reading:
alexander solzhenitsyn "the cancer ward"
alexander solzhenitsyn "the gualg archipelago" (pt. IV, "the soul and barbed wire")
t.s. eliot "the four quartets"
listening:
performance today on npr
braves baseball on the radio
watching:
nothing, except when my friends do and i can't escape
