8:21pm:
i took doyle street home tonight, turning down all the cul-de-sacs and dead-end streets. it was like mitsimatu anno's americana. i saw a couple of men working on a car. a woman came around the corner of her house carrying potted flowers and wearing a bandana on her head. a little girl clapped for her dog as i rolled by at about fifteen miles an hour; i smiled and she smiled back at me. i hadn't been through that part of town in quite awhile. for a long time all ive seen of toccoa is what i pass by on my way to and from school. there were a lot of old houses, not run down, but old, with flowers in the yards and porch swings. there were lots of azaelea and rose bushes. i heard a lawn mower several houses away over yo la tengo on my stereo. a dog barked at me. i was reminded of all those towns we drove through last summer on our way across america, and for a moment i could almost imagine that it was some quiet, idyllic midwestern town.
but it was just toccoa.
5:43am:
it's nearing six and i've been up all night. i finished singer's "the penitent" and listened to quite a lot of saxon shore, both new and old. i found singer to be very observant and intelligent. he makes a lot of accurate observations, but in the end arrives at the wrong conclusions.
today i'm going to read a good bit more, maybe some singer if i can find something at the library, if not probably schmemman or calvino. i have band practice at kallan's in the afternoon. also matt and i need to go over our set a couple times to get ready for friday night. i'd like to write a bit as well.
a lovely day tomorrow.
listening:
saxon shore/be a bright blue
saxon shore/four months of darkness
2:08am:
school is out, and i'm glad. i took my last exams on tuesday. i'm ready for a quiet summer. i'll be working forty hours a week at gbcc, splitting time between the snack shop and the dishroom. also i'll be at art camp the last week of june. i'm pretty excited about that. jenni and jim will be staying in town to work over the summer, so i wont be completely alone. im going to read a lot, and get ready for soccer this fall, and play my drums.
i got a b- in public speaking, and an a- in both early church and comp II. it's upsetting because i know i could have done much better. i don't really mind for myself, but i'd have liked to keep my 4.0 through college. it would have looked good on my transcript when i go to apply at graduate programs. but now ive botched it, and in easy classes too. there's nothing to complain about. i got lazy this semester. it was foolish of me and now i'm regretting it.
tomorrow is never really a new day. that's just what they say.
listening:
british sea power/the decline of british sea power
yo la tengo/summer sun
fugazi/red medicine
reading:
the penitent/isaac bashevis singer
if on a winter's night a traveller/italo calvino
the power and the glory/graham greene
e.e. cummings:
i am a little church(no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
--i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april
my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness
around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope,and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains
i am a little church(far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish)at peace with nature
--i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing
winter by spring,i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)
philosophy is about asking the right questions. if you ask the right questions, the answers pretty much fall into place. screw answers.
thank god for summer. and thank god im staying home.
and now. good night.
1:58am:
an ideal.
to study philosophy/theology in college, to pursue this study right on into graduate school and probably into doctoral work: more specifically, to know WHAT i believe and to be able to communicate this; to have several very close friendships, centered around music but transcending music; to be a solid drummer along the lines of the drummers from saxon shore, death cab, and mogwai, and to be in a very good band along similar lines; most of all, to KNOW HIM, God, and as fearful as i am of this relationship, to continue to pursue it as He gives me grace to do so.
i want to be the quiet one, the one who has a lot to say but doesn't usually say it, the steady one who people know they can trust. i want to be the intellect, the thinker. i want to be the good drummer.
seby jones library
12:40pm:
relationships are scary.
the future is scary.
watching your ideals change is scary.
nothing's the way it is in books.
12:07am.
i had an discouraging talk with c. the other night re: tfc. he seems positive he wants to go elsewhere to finish up his degree in philosophy after next year. i, on the other hand, remain unsure as to the quality of the degree/timing, not to mention the cost. being a faculty-dependent, i get free tuition at toccoa falls. seeing as i am one of six children, my parents obviously can't afford not to take advantage of the cut. which scenario is less than ideal for me, as tfc at present only has one philosophy professor. c. has been talking to a friend of his from uga, who as a sophomore has taken eight philosophy classes already, including aesthetics and concentrations such as kant and heidegger. needless to say tfc doesn't offer any of these courses. its pretty discouraging frankly. i'm stuck at a school which cant give me the education i want.
obviously i need to look into all of this some more. im sure my dad will have something to add. i need to look at cost/curriculum and the possibility of scholarships. that my dad wouldnt dream of sending me to a secular university to study philosophy goes without saying. and i understand the cost difference from his perspective. but something in me is yelling, this is my education! screw money altogether! that's always been my attitude more or less about money, and still is. i don't mind working my way through, and im positive that i could earn some decent scholarships on top of that.
philosophy is both the most fascinating and the most frightening thing ive ever faced. in light of this, c. told me that wherever he goes to study, it would make it a great deal easier to have someone to face it with. not that im the only other geek around, but the idea of c. and i rooming together somewhere and spending hours mulling over aesthetics every night was pretty appealing to us both.
i dont really know what to think at this point. the ideal is marvelous; but right now it seems like a pretty long shot. im going to bring it up with my parents soon, and we'll see where it goes from there. im not nervous at all or really all that scared: just vaguely excited and very tentative. ive learned a lot about the will of God even in the past few months. the idea of discerning God's will has lost a lot of its mysticism for me. its a very personal and tangible thing, and im no longer afraid that i'll accidentally botch it. but that doesn't mean that i'll find God's will agreeable or that it will fit in with my ideal. thus my tentativeness.
to complicate the issue some more:
I corinthians 1:17-31
I corinthians 8:1
the supremacy of love vs. the temporance of knowledge
philosophy as the handmaiden of theology
colossians 2:8
the supremacy of christ
its strange but i thought i was entirely reconciled to the idea of getting my degree at toccoa and of living at home for four years. i even went so far as to caution lyndsey not to jump too quickly at the chance to get away from home if that is her only reason. and i think i was sincere and honest in that. but suddenly its not just an issue of me wanting to get away. there's a great deal more to it than that. the quality of my education takes precedence over pretty much everything else. i have to be careful not to let the added perk of getting away influence me any more in that direction.
reading:
I corinthians
romans
philosophies of art and beauty/ed. hofstadter and kuhns
elliot/the shadow of the almighty
lewis/the voyage of the dawn treader
listening:
j. tillman/every word was split in two
viva voce/welcome mat
radiohead/ok computer
beck/sea change
death cab for cutie/transatlanticism
phil keaggy/the master and the musician
the strokes/room on fire
the microphones/i felt your shape
watching:
late night with conan o’brien
schindler’s list
that 70’s show
seinfeld
tlc
thinking:
blaaaah.
