mccarthyism

dear lyndsey:

the temporary consensus was by no means a final decision. it was a means to an end. after another talk with chris resulting in a overwhelming feeling of discouragment and powerlessness i went to work one night for a five hour shift in the snack shop. i was working by myself and there was hardly any business, so i had a lot of time to myself to sit on the freezer and think/write/listen to interpol. i realized i was decided on three things. first, in keeping with what ive been thinking of late re: seeking God's will, my decision isn't going to be based on something mystical or mysterious; a feeling or a "peace". instead, it's going to be based on scriptural principles, for example stewardship of what God has given me, both intellectually and financially. so you could say my decision will be made where these biblical principles, that is, what i know to be true, meet the circumstances in my life. second, i want to keep the decision as out in the open as possible, especially as regards my parents; but also i want to talk it through with others who may have differing opinions, such as chris, dr. elkins, &c. third, (and obviously) i decided that i want to be sure that whatever i end up doing is the right thing. that is, if im still at toccoa this time next year, i want to be so in the confidence that i am here by God's will. and vice versa.

i still obviously have quite a bit of time to work this through. there's no sudden rush. it could be that some unforeseen circumstances will make it clear what i should do, without the issue ever coming to a head. im content to rest for now, as always, in his sovereignty and grace.

as for what i want to do eventually, again it's much the same. im content to wait in confidence on his will. i want to study philosophy/theology. it's very vague. ideally id like to end up teaching at a university somewhere fifteen years down the road, after i finish my ph.d.. i'd like to write on the side as well, and not just philosophy. but we'll see what happens. so far all i really know is that i want to study for the next ten years. and im more than content with that. in fact im thrilled. i like everything about being a student. i like being able to play in my band on the side.

but what about you, lyndsey? you didn't say much about your own situation at all. exactly what effects did our conversation have on you? im naturally curious. i think i could guess, at least some of it, but id rather hear it from you.

ethan mccarthy